Fall in Calgary is a time for resetting. The kids are back in school, evenings fill up with schedules and packed lunches, as people move on from the unstructured ease of summer. For a lot of couples, this is also when small communication cracks become harder to ignore. The conversation that used to wait until the weekend now happens in the ten rushed minutes before pickup, and old arguments seem to resurface faster than before.
If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. Communication avoidance and breakdown is one of the most common reasons couples start looking into evidence-based couples’ therapy. Among the approaches available, the Gottman Method is one of the most extensively researched. Additionally, it offers a clear, practical way to understand what is happening in a relationship and recommends skills for growth.
What Is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method was developed by Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, building on more than four decades of observational research into how couples talk, argue, and repair with one another. Beginning in the 1980s at what became known as the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington, John Gottman and his colleagues recorded thousands of couples in conversation and studied the patterns in their words, tone, and body language. In 1996, John and Julie Schwartz Gottman co-founded the Gottman Institute to bring that research into clinical practice through structured therapy, training for clinicians, and couples workshops.
A strength of the Gottman Method is that it is grounded in observed behaviour rather than theory alone. The research involved observing relationships unfold in real time and tracked which couples thrived. One outcome of research is a specific, teachable model of what strengthens a relationship, and what quietly erodes it.
The Sound Relationship House
One of the most useful frameworks to developed by the John and Julie Schwartz Gottman is the Sound Relationship House. The components of a healthy relationship can be pictured as a house with several floors, each one supporting the level above it, all held together by two load-bearing walls: trust and commitment.
The floors include building “love maps” (staying genuinely curious about your partner’s inner world, even after years together), sharing fondness and admiration for each other, responding to each other’s everyday bids for attention, maintaining a generally positive view of your partner, managing conflict constructively, supporting each other’s life dreams, and creating shared meaning together.
In practice, this model is most useful starting at the lower floors. A couple who has stopped asking each other genuine questions, or who misses small bids for connection (“can you look at this for a second?”), is usually dealing with a friendship problem before it becomes a conflict problem. For a Calgary couple whose life has become rushing from meetings to appointments, to trying to find time to support children’s activities, a short phone-free walk along the Bow River pathway can be a concrete way to practice focusing attention on their partner and learning to enjoy each other again.
The Four Horsemen: Communication Patterns That Erode Relationships
Alongside the Sound Relationship House, Gottman’s research identified four communication patterns which they called the Four Horsemen. When these Horsemen are frequently present, their occurrence can suggest a high probability of relationship distress and possible break up. Some of their research outcomes indicated that a high occurrence of these relationship patterns in a short conflict conversation could accurately indicate relationship break down.
Criticism
There is a difference between criticism, such as an attack on the character of a partner, and focusing on a behaviour. Being critical as in “you never think about anyone but yourself” could be devastating. By focusing on problematic behaviour such as “I felt hurt when I was left waiting” can invite further conversation and deeper connection. The Gottman Method suggests that an antidote to criticism includes a gentle start-up, focusing on a specific issue, verbalizing your own feelings and making a positive request.
Contempt
Contempt for a partner shows up as disgust or superiority through sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling. Of the four Horsemen, Gottman’s research identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown, because it signals a fundamental lack of respect. The antidote is deliberately building a culture of appreciation and describing needs directly rather than through insult.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness often shows up as trying to protect or defend yourself including by making excuses, retaliation, or playing the victim rather than hearing the concern being raised. It might feel justified in the moment, but it erodes relationships. The antidote can involve taking responsibility and remaining present while your partner shares their concerns.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down or withdrawing from a conversation, often after becoming physiologically overwhelmed, or “flooded.” It appears like silence, changing the subject, or physically leaving. The antidote is recognising flooding early and taking a genuine break, ideally twenty minutes or more, before returning to the conversation when both partners are calmer.
What Gottman Therapy Looks Like in Practice
Gottman-informed couples therapy typically starts with an assessment phase: structured questionnaires, a joint interview, and an individual conversation with each partner, so each person’s perspective can be understood without the other in the room. Subsequent sessions focus on identifying which of the Four Horsemen show up most often, and where the Sound Relationship House needs reinforcing.
Sessions are often built around specific exercises such as working through the “aftermath of a regrettable incident” to repair a past conflict properly, practicing a structured stress-reducing conversation, or rebuilding fondness through love maps and appreciation exercises. Homework between sessions is common, since the goal is for new patterns to show up in daily life, beyond the therapy room.
How the Gottman Method Compares to RLT
Couples counselling in Calgary often draws on more than one framework, and that is true of my own approach to couples therapy. The Gottman Method and Relational Life Therapy (RLT) are both direct, structured, and grounded in real research, but they approach change from somewhat different angles.
Gottman tends to focus on observable communication skills: what is said, how it is said, and how conflict is repaired. RLT, developed by therapist Terry Real, works more explicitly with the underlying pattern of a relationship, particularly the “one-up” and “one-down” dynamic between partners, and tends to be more directive in naming what is happening in the room. I have written previously about how Relational Life Therapy helps couples build genuine intimacy, and about the idea that lasting connection is built through practice, not just chemistry.
These approaches can each be very helpful to couples, depending on the couple and their unique situation. Couples who need concrete communication skills and a way to interrupt a specific fighting pattern often do well with the Gottman Method. Couples who struggle to stay present in the moment can benefit from understanding the dynamics in their relationship as well as the internal dynamics of each partner. My work with couples adapts to what works best for each couple.
Which Couples Benefit Most from the Gottman Approach?
The Gottman Method tends to work well for couples who want a structured, skills-based approach rather than open-ended exploration. This often includes couples navigating a life transition, such as a new baby, a move, or the shift into an empty nest, as well as couples who communicate well in most areas of life but consistently get stuck in the same one or two arguments.
It is also often a good fit for partners, including many of the professional men I work with through individual and men’s mental health counselling, who appreciate a practical framework. Recognizing your own patterns, whether that is stonewalling under stress or defensiveness when criticized can be easier when it is named clearly and tied to a specific skill.
The Gottman Method is not designed to address situations involving ongoing safety concerns, such as active intimate partner violence, which require a different, safety-focused approach first. If that describes your situation, please reach out to a local crisis or victim services resource, or speak with your family doctor, before pursuing standard couples therapy.
A Note for This Fall
Calgary’s shorter days do not have to mean less connection. Some couples find that scheduling one deliberate outdoor activity together each week whether a walk in Fish Creek Park, a ride along the pathway, or trip to Kananaskis to see the larches, becomes a natural time to practice turning toward each other.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the Gottman Method in couples therapy?
A research-based approach developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, focused on building specific communication and conflict-management skills based on decades of observational research into what distinguishes stable and enduring relationships, from distressed ones.
How is the Gottman Method different from other couples counselling approaches?
It is more structured and skills-based than many talk-therapy approaches, using tools like the Sound Relationship House model and the Four Horsemen framework, along with practical exercises and homework between sessions.
How many sessions does Gottman-based couples therapy usually take?
This varies by couple, depending on the concerns involved and how entrenched certain patterns have become. Many couples notice initial shifts within the first several sessions, though deeper patterns take longer. A free inquiry call is a good way to discuss a realistic timeline for your situation.
Can the Gottman Method help if only one partner wants to attend?
Couples therapy works best when both partners participate, since the goal is to change patterns between two people. If one partner is not ready, individual therapy can be a helpful starting point that sometimes opens the door to couples work later.
Is the Gottman Method available through virtual couples therapy in Alberta?
Yes. I offer in-person couples therapy in Calgary and virtual sessions for couples anywhere in Alberta, and Gottman-informed exercises and assessment tools translate well to a virtual format.
A Low-Pressure Next Step
If any of this resonates with what is happening in your relationship this fall, reaching out for a free 15-minute inquiry call is a straightforward next step. There is no obligation attached. It is simply a chance to talk through what is going on and see whether working together, using the Gottman Method, RLT, or a blend of both, makes sense for you and your partner. I offer in-person couples counselling in Calgary and virtual sessions across Alberta.
Sources
- Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- The Gottman Institute. “What is the Sound Relationship House?” gottman.com
- The Gottman Institute. “The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes.” gottman.com
- The Gottman Institute. “Research Overview.” gottman.com/about/research
Derek Van Dalen, Registered Psychologist
Derek provides trauma-focused therapy for adults and has training in a range of therapeutic approaches, including Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Level 2) and EMDR. He is currently working towards certification in Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and is a Registered Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists (CAP). Derek has a particular passion for therapy with men and couples, and trauma therapy. Derek sees clients in person in Calgary and virtually across Alberta.