Every July, Calgary slows down for the Stampede and speeds up all at once. Out of town guests arrive, calendars fill with parades and pancake breakfasts, and couples who are already stretched thin end up managing ten extra days of social obligation on top of everything else. It’s often in seasons like this — with the additional stress of high expectations, and less time to actually talk — that longstanding cracks in a relationship become harder to ignore.
If you and your partner keep having the same argument, or one of you tends to go quiet while the other pushes for more, you may have already investigated couples therapy options. One approach you might have come across is Relational Life Therapy (RLT), a couples therapy model developed by therapist and author Terry Real. RLT takes a more direct approach than many traditional models, and it has become a significant part of how I work with couples in my Calgary practice.
This article explains where RLT comes from, what it involves, and how to know if it might be a good fit for your relationship.
The Origins of Relational Life Therapy
Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy over several decades of clinical work, much of it focused on men and the ways they are socialized to manage — or suppress — emotion in relationships. Real found that many traditional couples therapy models stayed neutral even when one partner’s behaviour was actively harmful, and that this neutrality often slowed down real change.
RLT was developed to facilitate real relational change. It draws on family systems theory, psychodynamic thinking, trauma-informed care, and feminist therapy, combining them into a single framework that treats individual character patterns and couple dynamics as inseparable. Rather than only asking “what is happening between you two,” RLT also asks “what did each of you learn, early in life, about how to survive in relationships” — and how those old survival strategies are now getting in the way.
Core Principles of RLT
A few ideas sit at the centre of the RLT model:
Adaptive strategies from childhood carry into adult relationships. Most of us developed ways of coping with our family environment growing up such as withdrawing, over-functioning, people-pleasing, controlling. These strategies often made sense at the time. In adult intimacy, though, the same patterns can create distance, resentment, or conflict.
Full relational presence versus adaptive response. RLT distinguishes between showing up authentically in a relationship (‘Wise Adult’) and falling back into an old, protective pattern (‘Adaptive Child’) whenever things get difficult. A core goal of RLT is helping both partners develop relational mindfulness so they recognise when they’ve slipped into an adaptive response and then find their way back to being in their Wise Adult.
Grandiosity and shame as two sides of the same coin. RLT describes an unhealthy imbalance in relationships as either “one-up” (grandiosity — control, criticism, contempt) or “one-down” (shame — self-blame, appeasement, disappearing). Real refers to this imbalance as psychological patriarchy and notes it can show up regardless of the genders involved in a relationship. The therapeutic goal is helping both partners find a “same-as” stance: equal footing, mutual respect, and genuine accountability.
Active Involvement. RLT places a strong emphasis on therapists collaborating with the couple by compassionately sharing their perspective on how the partners are relating to each other.
What RLT Looks Like in Session
RLT sessions tend to be more active and direct than what many people expect from talk therapy. A few things distinguish the RLT approach:
- The therapist takes an active stance. Rather than staying strictly neutral, an RLT-trained therapist will often name a harmful pattern directly and early, rather than waiting for it to surface organically.
- Skill-building happens alongside insight. RLT isn’t only about understanding where a pattern came from — it also involves practising new ways of communicating and responding in the moment to support relationship growth.
- Individual patterns are addressed within the couple session. RLT weaves character work (exploring an individual’s adaptive strategies) directly into the couple’s process, rather than treating it as separate.
- Feedback goes both ways. With appropriate boundaries, the therapist may share observations about what’s happening in the room, which can help partners see their patterns more clearly.
In my own practice, RLT is one part of a broader, tailored approach. Depending on what a couple needs, I may also draw on the other approaches including the Gottman Method, EMDR, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). You can read more about how I bring these approaches together on my How I Work page.
How RLT Differs from Other Couples Therapy Approaches
Couples often ask how RLT compares to the Gottman Method, one of the most widely known approaches to couples therapy and one that where I’ve received Level 2 training.
The Gottman Method is built on decades of observational research into what predicts relationship stability and breakdown. It focuses heavily on communication patterns, identifying and interrupting negative cycles, and building specific rituals of connection. The therapist’s stance tends to be more structured and psychoeducational.
RLT shares some common ground but takes a more confrontational and character-focused approach. It’s less concerned with teaching a set of communication techniques in isolation, and more concerned with helping each partner recognise and shift the deeper adaptive pattern driving their behaviour. Where Gottman work often stays focused on the interaction between partners, RLT will move more readily into an individual’s history and internal psychological patterns, even within a joint session to support relational growth.
Neither approach is inherently “better” — they’re suited to different couples and different moments in the work. Many therapists, myself included, draw on both, adapting the approach to what a particular couple needs.
Common Issues RLT Addresses
Emotional Withdrawal and Disconnection
When one partner consistently shuts down, avoids difficult conversations, or seems emotionally unreachable, RLT looks at what’s underneath the withdrawal. Often, it’s a long-practised adaptive strategy — particularly common in partners who learned early on that expressing feelings wasn’t safe or welcome. RLT works to help that partner move toward presence rather than retreat.
Destructive Conflict Patterns
Criticism met with defensiveness, arguments that escalate quickly, or the same disagreement resurfacing on a loop are all patterns RLT addresses directly. Rather than simply de-escalating in the moment, RLT aims to identify the underlying strategy each partner falls back on during conflict and build new, more constructive options.
Grandiosity and Shame in Relationships
A relationship where one partner consistently criticizes, controls, or dismisses, while the other consistently apologizes, appeases, or disappears, reflects the one-up/one-down dynamic RLT was built to address. This work often requires real directness from the therapist, since these patterns can otherwise go unchallenged for years.
Is RLT Right for Our Relationship?
RLT tends to be a strong fit for couples who feel stuck in a repetitive cycle, who sense that individual history and old wounds are shaping their current conflict, or where one or both partners find it difficult to stay emotionally present under stress. It’s also a good option for couples who want a therapist to be direct rather than strictly neutral. I’ve written previously about the skills and perspectives that support long-term connection, and RLT is one structured way of building those skills with support.
As with any approach, fit matters more than the label. I’m trained in RLT and currently working toward certification through the Relational Life Institute, and I integrate it alongside other evidence-based approaches depending on what will genuinely help your relationship — you can read more about my background on the About page.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)? Relational Life Therapy is a couples therapy model developed by Terry Real that focuses on how early adaptive patterns — ways of coping learned in childhood — can show up as unhelpful behaviour in adult relationships. It combines direct, active therapist involvement with practical skill-building to help both partners move toward genuine relational connection.
Who created Relational Life Therapy? RLT was developed by therapist and author Terry Real, who founded the Relational Life Institute to train clinicians in the model. RLT draws on established frameworks including family systems theory, psychodynamic therapy, and trauma-informed care, though it is a newer model than longer-studied approaches like the Gottman Method.
How is RLT different from regular couples counselling? Many couples therapy models keep the therapist relatively neutral and focus mainly on communication patterns between partners. RLT takes a more direct approach, with the therapist actively naming unhelpful patterns and working with each partner’s individual history alongside the couple’s relational patterns, rather than treating the two as separate.
Is Relational Life Therapy covered by insurance in Alberta? Coverage depends on your health benefits rather than the specific therapy model used. As a Registered Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists, Derek’s services are commonly eligible for reimbursement under most health plans that cover registered psychologists. Please confirm your insurance coverage directly with your provider.
Can we do Relational Life Therapy virtually, or do we need to be in Calgary? Both options are available. Derek offers in-person RLT and couples sessions from his Calgary office, as well as virtual sessions for couples anywhere in Alberta.
How long does RLT typically take to show results? This varies by couple and depends on the patterns being addressed. Some couples notice shifts in how they communicate within the first several sessions, while deeper character-level patterns, particularly those tied to grandiosity, shame, or long-standing withdrawal, generally take longer sustained work to shift.
If your relationship has felt stuck — whether that surfaced during a stressful stretch like Stampede season or has been building for longer — couples counselling may help. I work with couples in Calgary in person, and with clients across Alberta through virtual sessions. The first step is a free 15-minute inquiry call, where we can talk through what you’re facing and whether RLT or another approach makes sense for you.
Schedule your free inquiry call today to take the first step toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
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Derek Van Dalen, R.Psych., is the founder of Highwood Psychology in Calgary. He believes that therapy should be engaging, collaborative and include humour to navigate complex emotional dynamics. Derek provides evidence‑based support for adults and couples, with specialized focus in men’s mental health, couples therapy, and EMDR. When he’s not in the therapy room supporting clients on their mental health journeys, you can usually find him exploring the beautiful Calgary area or enjoying a quiet moment with his family.